Originally Written: March 10, 2021
It is the 10th Anniversary of my cane purchase … the cane I no longer have any use for.
This anniversary marks a lot of grief, especially at the losses of parenting through those years. There were many times I wanted to drive my kids someplace but could not. I was in too much pain. I wanted to play and have fun with them, but I was too fatigued. I was unable to cook for them the way I wanted to or manage the house in the way I wanted to. I was on medications to deal with constant pain, to help me sleep at night, and to keep me alert during the day. However, nothing stopped my slow decline.
I also think about my losses in communication. I could not keep up in a conversation, could not find words back, or remember what I wanted to say. Conversations were often soooo much work. As a family we missed so much and we will never get that opportunity back.
I have been blessed with beautiful grandkids. I started my healing journey during this time period, but those past ten years are filled with losses. I wanted to cradle the babies to sleep, but was unable to hold them that long. I wanted to chatter with them, but I was so tired I could not figure out what they were saying. I wanted to play games with them, but pain or exhaustion prevented that. There were so many times I wanted to help my daughter out and take the kids for a day, but was unable. I couldn’t even fly out to help my son and daughter-in-law through the traumatic birth of their first child.
And yet through all these musings and this grief, I am SO THANKFUL….
I have come SUCH a long, long way. I can shower on my own. I can drive again. I can visit without a huge set back. This summer, I even had the 4 local grandkids down to my camp and looked after them at the lake ALONE!! And they all lived to tell about it!!! My pain is negligible and my fatigue is now manageable. I can enjoy time with my grandkids and keep up with them (sorta!!).
Today, I am living high on life… that is… the 3rd floor of a Condo high. This condo has no elevator. I can even run my dog up and down those stairs so he can fertilize the lawn.
I am looking forward to the next 10 years… 10 years to play with my grandkids, 10 years to communicate with my own kids, 10 more years to make Rob roll his eyes at me.
And I smile…
‘Cause I know the next 10 years are going to be SOO good.
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